June 11

June 10

June 8

June 6, 2017

When I was a kiddo, I spent about a year convinced I had ESP. I'd get incredible senses of deja vu, and stop to pay careful attention to what was going on around me. Even now, I do this, figuring the deja vu is a warning of sorts: Something is going to happen, and I need to be super-aware of my surroundings.

The last time I ignored this feeling, I broke my leg.

I pay more attention to it now.

June 5 - self-portrait

I dyed my hair red for a play when I was a senior in high school. In the almost 30 years since then, my hair has been its natural color SOMETIMES, but for the most part, at least some portion of it has been treated. My mom's theory was always, psh, it'll grow out. So I've gotten to play with my hair a LOT. It's been neon banana, flat black, red, blue, green, pink, purple ...

And I've learned to love the curls that were the bane of my existence in pre-internet times. Thank goodness for the internet's treasure trove of info regarding curly hair.

I mean, I still can't style it for shit, but at least it's not the weirdo picked-out and hair-sprayed coif I rocked (well, Muzaked) in high school.

June 4 - childhood self-portrait

I was in the 4th decade of my life when I discovered roller derby.

Of course, I'd SKATED before. Growing up in Kansas City, I'd attended enough roller skating parties -- for birthdays, church, and school -- that I could even tell you precisely where the blisters would form on my feet.

Eventually, though, people stopped having roller skating parties, and I stopped roller skating. Once I became a grown-up, I'd go skating about once a year, but it got to be too weird being the only childless adult on the floor with a bunch of kids. (Or so it seemed. I realize now that there HAD to have been other adults on the floor with me, but I spent a lot of my life being overly concerned with what other people thought. I wasted a lot of my life being ruled by that. It makes me have regrets, but since all of that brought me to here, I can't be TOO angry.)

In 2012, a co-worker invited a bunch of us to watch her skate in a roller derby bout. Long story short: I went and it changed my life.

Anyway, on Sunday, a group of roller derby skaters (both Fountain City Roller Derby and Kansas City Roller Derby) in Kansas City had an open skate fundraiser to send a team to a national competition.

It was a lot of fun and a perfect place for today's self-portrait, especially since I took it with an instant camera. Modern take on vintage stuff? Yep. Yep yep yep.

June 3 - two self-portraits

I've broken both legs, the left in 2001, the right in 2013, yet these crazy appendages haven't given up on me. They're short and squat and muscular, and they take me all sorts of neat places.

June 2 self-portait

June 1, 2017 - Trying something new

This year, I'm going to take a self-portrait a day.

Not a selfie, but a SELF-PORTRAIT. These are different. IMHO, a selfie shows a time or a place, but a self-portrait conveys emotion.

So, here goes ...

Effing 2017, aka, why the hell not

Look at the history of this blog. There it is the start of every stupid June. I start with the best of intentions. I'm going to try so hard to not hate myself over this.

My first indie

Way back, a long time ago, I was working at the newspaper in Emporia, Kan.
One of my managers there was a movie buff, as was I. I don't know the genesis of his love of movies, but mine was borne of years of watching movies with my dad. When we first got a video cassette recorder, my dad would spend weekends taping old movies and musicals off the local UHF station, so I knew a lot about old movies, and this manager and I bonded quite handily over the escapist entertainment.
However, most of my knowledge and likes were circled around blockbuster movies. Sure, I'd rent the odd movie here and there, if I needed to fill out a "rent three for the price of two" deal or whatever, but mostly, I stuck to blockbusters, even if they were older movies.
One day, though, this manager recommended to me a movie that would change my life: "Strictly Ballroom."
I don't know precisely what it is about this movie that drew me in: the idea that the "ugly duckling" becomes the swan, the thought that the unconventional bucks the system and wins, the dancing, the costumes, the whimsy!
It's one of my guaranteed mood-changing movies. If I'm in a foul mood, I watch it. If I'm in a great mood, this enhances it. I love it!

2015 a.k.a. The Year of Crushing It

SO ... I tried to do this last year, and failed to make every day.

I don't remember why, and to be honest, it doesn't matter. This year, I'm trying to challenge again, hoping to crush it.

And this month won't be without its bazillion intrigues, either.

I'm also trying to do a "30 days on skates" challenge (in which every day involves at least a little time on skates). And a friend convinced me to sign up for a half marathon in the fall.

On top of all of this, my husband recently had emergency surgery (nothing sexy; in fact, it's really horrifyingly stupid and gross) that's got him laid up for a couple weeks. Oh, and then there's the car wreck (stitches on my forehead and an ear).

So, yeah ... LET'S DO THIS.

He had a cruel smile.
To the uninitiated, it was charming, practically full of sunshine, promises and the warmth of a summer day.
To the victims, his teeth were jail bars, keeping the lies in until he wanted them to escape.

Second Adolescence

My mom didn't wear a lot of makeup when I was a kid, so it's always been a strange thing to me.

I've been thrilled to not have a bunch of extra stuff to do in the morning, but also a bit curious about the different ways people use it.

Recently, with a friend's help, I've been exploring makeups. Right now, I think ALL of it is fun, but I AM starting to develop brand loyalties and colors I like.

Mostly, though, I just like all the pretty colors and wish I had a more eyes so I could color them all up.

Hmph

I need to be wealthy so I can have time to do the following:

• Travel.
• Take pictures and start a photo business.
• Write.
• Write a lot.
• Do comedy.
• Make movies.
• Sew. Design clothes.

Lazy > cleaning

I need to clean my desk at work. And at home.

One of the worst parts of my life is trying to keep things clean. If I weren't so paranoid about letting people into my places, I'd hire a cleaning service.

The pet fur is whorled into the eddys created by the ebb and flow of our household. I need to take, like, a full week to just clean.

But I won't. Because lazy.

It's tough to realize that, without my permission, I've gotten older.

I suppose I've been pampered a bit because in my adult life, I've always looked a little younger than my real age, and my interests have always skewed a little younger than I am.

But as I was applying my glittery blue eye shadow over the weekend, I noticed that my crow's feet have grown slightly more pronounced, and the bags under my eyes are more textured.

My dad always used to say that growing old was better than the alternative, and I'm not necessarily upset about having the additional time for all the extra life experiences.

I just wonder when age crept up on me. Specifically, when it crept onto my face.

The Derbs

So, I'm here at derby scrimmages. There's a huge variety of conversations going on: one skater is getting a review, others are watching a *fail* video set to "turn down for what," some are just talking about their kids. It's my home away from home, people and a sport I wish I'd known earlier.
I'm so happy it, and they, are in my life now, though.
It's one of the only situations I've been in where you can truly go just as far as you want to go.
I love this moment.

Once I've seen behind someone's mask, I can't see anything else, and it colors all my interactions with them.

Sometimes, the scene behind the set enriches the relationship. I understand or forgive quirks or behaviors that would usually make me want to alienate myself.

Sometimes, however, the slip of the flaky mask reveals a desire for chaos and troublemaking that, quite frankly, makes me doubt anything this person has ever said and done.

The offer of a compliment I now see as a way to breed contempt amongst the people who were not offered such platitudes.

I've actually watched this person intentionally knock over a side table full of drinks (she headed straight to it, glanced around to see if anyone was watching, then tipped it over).

I don't understand her. Not at all. But I hate who I've seen her be.

Kansas, land of ahs

We're on our way to Oklahoma City. This was supposed to be the first stop on the road to a derby event, but as it was canceled, and our OKC hotel room was paid for and nonrefundable, we're turning this into a neat little overnight trip.
These road trips remind me of why I love the Midwest. Even when you're in civilization, you're only minutes from wilderness and greenery. Years living in SoCal dulled my memories of just how pure a joy a wide open landscape is, and how I can just breathe better when there's more room to breathe. The first time we went to visit some of my husband's family, we drove through a farmstead and my heart leapt. My husband snorted and said, "Enjoy it. In 10 years, it'll be houses." By the time we left four years later, it was being turned into a housing community.
Kansas City is far from the largest city in the Midwest, but it's so much easier to navigate than Chicago, where my husband grew up.
People, upon hearing that I'm from Kansas, will talk about Kansas being flat, but I figure they've never actually been on the rolling hills of the Sunflower State.
I had no choice in the matter of being born and bred in Kansas (making me, according to the song we learned in elementary school, a jayhawker, in spite of my avoidance of KU as an alma mater). But as an adult, I've chosen to return to the state of my birth, with a renewed loyalty to it, a new appreciation of its charms, and the desire to correct all who would disparage it.
No, we're not known for BBQ because "(we) grow pigs there."
No, we don't tip cows for fun.
Yes, we have CD players.
And your approval is neither required nor desired.